The Measure of Motherhood

I've noticed a reoccurring theme lately among the women in my life. It's the theme of measuring motherhood. Statements like "I am a good mom" or "She is such an awesome mom" or "I wish I was a better mom" seem to be filling my news feeds. These are thoughts I'm sure every mother feels from time to time, but what is it about now that has got so many questioning their quality of mothering?

Let me sure with you an abridged version of my journey through measuring motherhood. It took us longer than planned to bring a child into our family. As hard as that was, it gave me a lot of time to plan and prepare for motherhood. (And for those of you who don't know me well, I LOVE to plan.) I seriously had every birthday party, every Christmas present, even her wedding planned by the time she got here. More than that, I had every kiss and hug planned. I planned on hours of snuggling and bonding planned. I was so excited for the bond formed through nursing. I was going to be an awesome mom. Best ever.

Then I got a Daddy's girl. For those of you with Mama's boys or girls, imagine the complete opposite. Imagine your child never wanting your comfort, your love, or your affection. Imagine your sweet newborn screaming bloody murder if you were the one to go in and comfort her. I'm not exaggerating this. I basically served as an utter for the first few months of her life. If my husband wasn't home, she would scream until he came back whereas if I left, she wouldn't even notice. Wanna talk about feeling like a terrible mom? I had to bribe my child to let me hold her! She'd choose a complete stranger over her own mother!

Motherhood is kind of an abusive relationship. Our sweet children can show such cruelty at times! Their hateful words seem to cut the deepest. They withhold love to gain authority over us. They hit and bite and scream. And what do we mothers do in response? We give. We give, give, and give some more. We give and go hours, days, weeks, sometimes even YEARS without receiving gratitude or love in return.

My point in saying this is not to convince you that we as mothers need to stand up and fight back. Quite the opposite. We as mothers need to stand our ground. Motherhood is the hardest gig you'll ever get. You'll hurt, you'll cry, you'll be put through the ringer most days of the week... Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. It's okay to have days when you want to scream. It's okay to question why you made the decision to have children. It's okay to wonder if you'll ever be the woman they expect you to be. It's okay to have a bad day. (Or month or year...)

You moms are pretty darn amazing. Don't you know that? Don't you know how much strength you have? The strength to change one more poopy diaper, knowing he will kick and scream and fight every minute of it! The strength to tell her you love her, knowing she will slam the door in your face screaming she wished you were dead. The strength to let them make their own decisions, knowing they will make poor ones. The strength to give and give and give and expect nothing in return. THAT is a strength that does not exist in everyone. That is a strength that is given to mothers. You have that strength.

So next time you start measuring your motherhood, don't measure it against an ideal. Measure it against reality. Measure it against the hours you've put into raising those crazy kids. Measure it against the love you give instead of the love you get. Measure it against the sweat and tears and prayers you've given for their sake. Measure it against the number of times you've chosen to get up and try again. Everyday you choose to try again, you are becoming a better mom. And trust me, if you are concerned about being a good mom, you are already better than you know. Chin up, moms. You are rocking this crazy little thing called motherhood!

Back to You

Well, readers. Today I'm turning the page over to you. My wisdom and love has fallen short. I've come up against a topic that I can't put a positive spin on, so I'm asking for your help.

Here's how it all started. I was taking this "Which Jane Austen character are you" quiz and realized that I'm a Darcy. No, I'm not rich or good-looking, but of all the character, he's who I relate to most. Why? Because my good opinion once lost is lost forever. And try as I might, my mind does not change easily. This is a new realization about myself and not a pleasant one at that. I don't mean to be prejudice, but apparently I am.

So here's my question to you readers: how do you create a relationship with someone you don't have a high opinion of? Whether it be someone you've never liked, someone you love but has hurt you unimaginably, or someone who is just completely opposite from you, how do you establish a connection with them?

Exhibit A: "Winner Wally". "WW" believes that you only live once, so you best make the most of it. "WW" cares only about winning, being number one. "WW" does not care what he/she has to do to get on top, as long as he doesn't get caught. "WW" does not believe there are consequences for his/her actions because "WW" does not believe there is a God. How do you create a relationship with someone who's fundamental beliefs are based on the complete opposite of you own?

Exhibit B": "Debbie Downer". "DD" is a pessimist. "DD" withholds love and affection unless you do as he/she wishes. "DD" is constantly seeing the chance to disagree. "DD" believes that his/her opinion is better than yours, regardless of your expertise or experience. "DD" is quick to point the finger, but rarely accepts the blame. "DD" will privately reconcile with you, then publicly defame you. Basically, "DD" has some growing up to do, but in the mean time, you have to deal with their immaturity and disrespect. How do you create a relationship with someone who is so stunted in their maturity?

These examples are my two biggest flops. I don't know how to relate to atheists or pessimists, even if they are good people. I don't understand how they live each day. One sees no purpose and the other sees no potential. Everything I believe in is purpose and potential! How do you form a good opinion of someone so opposite from yourself? Readers? Buler? Anyone?